You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope some day you will join us, and the world will live as one...
Those famous lyrics from Imagine, sung by John Lennon, still bring me to a place of peace and serenity. He paints a beautiful vision of unity and peace, where greed or hate doesn't exist. Only love. And I still believe it's possible.
The other day I referred to myself as a dreamer. Honestly, it slipped out. I've always seen, and even taken tests that reveal myself as a realist, not a dreamer. My husband is a dreamer, which I've always loved, but I can also be the first one to come back at him with the "realistic" version. You know, like that's my job. No it's not and I'm going to stop that. When I called myself a dreamer, the person I was speaking with saw this reference in a completely different light. In fact, they judged me. They indicated that now they understood me more and how my mind was working, and for that they would extend me some grace.
That lit me up like a firecracker on a hot 4th of July day. I retaliated quickly, after the grace offering and said, "I'm not really a dreamer. I'm a realist. I just believe in people and their potential, so I'm just a dreamer when it comes to others."
It amazes me how fast we can drop back into old habits, when we get triggered. My defenses and guard shot up. I tried to back out of my position. "I'm not really a dreamer (please don't reject me). I'm a realist (we are more alike than you realize). I just believe in people and their potential (truth), so I'm just a dreamer when it comes to others (just put myself back in that small, and safe box I am so comfortable sitting in). Okay, it wasn't one of my better moments, especially from someone who preaches about self-love.
After I had a little longer to process the entire conversation, I took what was still sitting on the surface and went deeper. Whenever you get offended, that is a HUGE indicator that something is buried and needs your attention. For example, If I were to call you a green frog, you'd laugh, unless you were one. You aren't, so you'd laugh it off and call me ridiculous. Instead, if I were to call you something that you identify with, or believe, like, in my case, a dreamer, then a button, or a trigger gets hit. It's a biological reaction. Your amygdala takes that data, and it finds a memory, that caused you pain, which puts your body into survival mode. "Danger Will Robinson, we've been here before - RUN!!!" This is how most fights are started, and ended.
I take all triggers very seriously. My goal is to eradicate them, if that's possible. That means I have to dig a little to find the root and pull it. I don't like being triggered. It's not fun, but I do welcome the growth behind it when it happens.
The next day, after I let my emotions soothe, and my head was clear, I asked for help. I prayed, "Why did that particular part of the conversation bother me so much? What is behind this word dreamer?" I didn't get any specific memories, just general versions as a child being told to "Get your head out of the clouds. Be realistic." It was a feeling of shame, being ridiculed and even rejected. Most grown ups weren't fans of my vivid imagination, so one day, I guess I took their advise. I climbed down from the fluffy white clouds, where you could do or be anything, and I stopped dreaming. Actually, I didn't stop dreaming. I just didn't tell people anymore. They weren't safe. I dreamt quietly, but I stopped believing they could come true.
After my divorce, when I really started all my inner work, I began unpacking all the baggage that was weighing me down. I dug into the traumas, the negative beliefs, the programming, the lies and I ended up back in the clouds. I started dreaming again and I started believing that anything really was possible. After all, Jesus himself said in Matthew 19:26 "With God, all things are possible." I believe that. I've witnessed miracles in others. Yes, I've seen a lot of people not change and I know that darkness is still very alive, but I have experienced a personal transformation within myself. I know, that dreams can come true. I'm living mine right now.
I was bestowed with the gift of seeing the light in others. Unfortunately, for awhile, due to my own traumas, I turned that gift into codependency and rescuing. Because I couldn't see my own light, I was trying to grab the light of others to keep me from withering away. As a result, most of the time I actually lived in darkness and fear. It felt like prison. Now, I still see the light in others, but I also found my light, and that allows me to love and serve people from a place of freedom, not need. I respect their journey, their choices and I also trust that whatever happens, I'll be okay, and so will they. I don't need their light. I have my own.
I was conditioned to believe that dreamers will be ridiculed, mocked and rejected and I was, as a kid and even this week. But, thanks to working thru that trigger, I can see this whole picture a lot better. Now, I'm grateful for it's revelation. My shame behind being a dreamer has been exposed. That 40+ year old story, the one that says if you shine your light, you will be rejected, judged, shamed and ridiculed, it just ended.
Yes, I am a dreamer. I believe in people. I believe in myself. I believe in God's endless powers and I'm not the only one. I do some day hope you will join us, and the world will be as one.
Angela Miller is an RN and Transformation Wellness Coach. She is passionately pursuing her purpose to help others remember who they are and how to become their best self using her 4-wheeled, balanced approach system. To schedule a free consult, or for more information, visit www.soaringforward.com.